The Year That Was 2009

I'm going to do just quick review of my year:

So it all started of in Canterbury, hungover mess from the night before. Epic night doing some silly things but was most definitley memorable & spent with some very special people. However it all started to go down hill pretty quickly, with celebrations of my Birthday taking a nasty turn for the worse and was the start of a downward spiral to a very important friendship. I picked myself up, apologised but couldnt help but feel like i had take 10 steps back in time and was reacting to a situation exactly how i would of done when i was 17...
So i moved on and struck a strong friendship with two indvidual, fun guys which became my rocks for the next few months and they just understood me it was pretty kool. Spent alot of time in High Wycombe having some good drunken times. Most of March rolled into this just alot of going out and getting drunk, maybe to hide some feelings, that were pretty obvious so i'm unsure why i even bothered to hide it.
Emotions were running high through April, with a flashback from the past literally right in front of me, someone from the past bringing up everything that had been put to rest a long time ago, it was all a difficult time and it was whilist i was in this confused state of mind i decided to shut someone out of my life, long term.
The most successful month of the year has to be May i was made permanent in my job and worked bloody hard to get there. It as a time full of change, but a change i'm pleased i made and met lots of interesting people along the way. It was in this time i realised i loved having this life at work outside of all my socialising. It almost like this felt like the time i could show my mature side without some silly remarks. May was also a fun time spent going to some gigs in London Town and having lots of laughs with the besties.
June was a sad month, my two lovely friends packed their bags and abonded ship for a whole month. It was a long month with lots of time to fill, but it was just the start of a fun packed summer. I found it hard to juggle work with the summer arrangments with the friends, but i only had a small lapse, but i sure had a good time.
September everyone left and there was a massive void to fill. I stayed in for a few weeks, spent time with my family and just had some time to evaluate everything, it was really good. However i did get the feeling people felt that i was trying to go my seperate way,this wasnt the case, i realised that this going out getting drunk is a different Carly. Over this time although i didnt see people constantly i grew alot closer to some people that i would of least expected to. It was a pleasant suprise.
October was a time when my drunkeness got out of control and i ended up in such a state i was an embaressement, yeah it was funny, looking back i'm pretty ashamed of my alcohol abuse and really dont understand why i feel the need to do this...
So we come to November. The month i took a chance and it just didnt go my way. I guess i new it never could, i learnt that you cant tempt fate. I dont regret anything that happened, i just wish i got my happy ending.
I've ended the year on a bit of a low, everything thats happened in the last few months has caught up with me and i'm pretty run down and ill. Its nice to have so many faces back for christmas and i love that i have all these friendships back that i risked through the year, because i just didnt feel complete without them.
I look forward to seeing in 2010 with all the people that have influenced my life this year and have all played a special part in some way or another.
I have high hopes for 2010, it needs to be epic and i'm determined to make it just that....

A New Chapter...........

I've avoided writing anything here for quite some time now, two reasons i'm not sure who reads this and i think i was attempting to put on a brave face.
The last month has been a learning curve, not one i wanted to end the year with, but you cant tempt fate. I didnt learn anything about myself, i was everything i thought i would be and everything i should of been..but that wasn't right. I learnt more about other people and their indecisive outlook on their lives. I guess not knowing what you want can be a quality in anyone if you want spontanity, but this isn't something i look for.
Evaluating my own emotions i realise that i am willing to let my gaurd down too quickly, which makes me vunerable and easily hurt. As ever i have been broken again, but i'm strong enough to come out with my head held high and end this year on a good note.
People are coming home for the holidays next week and i cant help but feel they walk back after living their exciting lives to be disappointed with the black hole of home and i feel like i've gained/achieved nothing in the months they have been gone.
So onwards and upwards, i'm excited about what could happen next, but for now i know to think with my head and never my heart.

Wow.

I took a chance and put myself on the line and its all working out pretty nicely...
I found someone i like and who likes me which is dead cool and i'm kinda excited for what ever happens next..
yeahh i'm such a girl!
x

A Safe Place...

would be my own company, which i have learnt to endure over the past weeks. But then what happens? One week of going back to the drunken mess i am and i'm left with the label: A Regret.
Its really funny how things turn around, i opened up to someone about my feelings towards them, maybe i did this too soon before i really had time to think about where this could go. Well its going nowhere, full stop. I will always live in a world where i am drawn to an indecisive situation, people dont like to put themseleves on the line for me. Which makes me question if anyone will ever think i'm worthy enough to share some part of their life??
I like to think that i am different to every other girl, yeah i can be one of the guys and majority of my closest friends are guys, but as much as i try and use their give a shit attitude to relationships, my emotions will always be determined being a female, needy, wondering, tears and everything that comes with it. But i wouldnt change this for the world, because this shows we care and now i just have to hope that someone will care for me...
Another learning curve down..how many more to go???

Standing Still

I think its been a while since i last put any thoughts down on here, but i would rather not read my last post, if i recall i was in my state of emotional self destruction which i love to indulge in every once in while...
anyway its all about not looking back now, moving forward.
For the last three years i have been going out constantly looking to find something, i dont think i will ever know what that someone or something was, but i'm pretty sure i didnt find it, got a bit lost along the way, but i sure had a good time. For the last few weeks i have taken a big step back, and realised that standing still can be just as fun if your patient. I'm living life for me at the moment, i hope people can see that i need to do this for myself and i'm not cutting them out. I have learnt alot, seen alot and generally educated myself in what i have been striving to achieve.
I'm happy to see what comes my way, because lets face it everything else has happened when i've least expected it and you never know whats just round the corner..........

Amazed.

What a week away from everything can do ay?...
I've come home feeling happy, revitalized and postive about pretty much everything, i was amazed by how much i missed my friends whilist i was away, but also appreciated that a bit of time on your own doesnt do any harm.
Lots of plans now, i'm excited...i just want to make the most out of what i have.
Not too much to ask for is it?
xx

Vunerable

Yesterday will be one of them days i won't be able to forget for what feels like the rest of time, it was one of them days where i opened the closed book i have been holding close to my heart for too long. I cried like haven't done since the heartbreak i will never really be over and realised that i put all my efforts of kindness into someone with the hope i'll find my happy ending. It never works that way and here i am feeling crushed and on that long road of self destruction i like to indulge in from time to time.
A friend gave me some good advice yesterday, look for other qualitys in people, i.e kind and considerate, instead of these people that drain me, use me and use this out of sight out of mind bulshit.
So nows the part where i have to pick myself up and put all these feelings back where they belong.

All Fun & Games.

I have more than had enough of life around here, I'v out grown it and everything that comes with it. I want something to excite me, something new, somewhere new and i'm not sure how long i'm willing to wait to find out what this is going to be.
I need to start writing lists. I always thought they were a bit useless, but more and more people are starting to live by these lists so they must be of some help. I want lits to plan out the next 6 months, the next year, what music i should be listening to, where i want to be and so on. It could get to a point where i am writing lists about a list, yeah just an insane image i have of myself.
I know i need to top rebelling against this boring routine called some like to call work, i need to look at it as a stepping stone. Some time alone over the next week and after my holiday will do me some good, i plan on saving some spends, booking some gigs for the winter, catching up with some books and educating myself in wide variety of music.

x

Time Wasters

If i started to write this post under two hours ago there could have been a very different outcome and you could have seen a very bitter side to my personality. Instead I have had some time to reflect on what really matters to me and what I am really looking for.

It hurts when you realise your not appreciated, let a lone a priority to someone that you think you have given literally all what you have, yet your not there perfect ideal, so you settle with the use & abuse situation because you know thats all they have to offer you. For short periods of time i guess we all have this approach with relationships/friendships but its only so long before someone get hurt. Well here I am i'm hurt and in the process risked, lost and under estimated a number of friends and family.

I feel like I have failed and been led astray yet again, just for them to pack up and leave with their out of sight, out of mind attitude. Two can play that game, I refuse to chase after them and beg for some form of communication, I will literally expect nothing and then i guess anything that i do achieve will be a bonus. I know i have myself to blame and although I liked to think these last couple of years i had changed, i have now come to the conclusion that you can change whats on the outside and put on a false appearance to what people want to see, but inside maybe i'm still in the same addicted, fragile state he left me in.

I'm going to leave this on a positive note, i can go it alone if i have to, i've done it before i'll do it again. Yeah I knicked that from The Notebook!

I have a holiday to look forward to, a whole week of intoxication, i have family and friends to keep me sane and to be honest its time i take a step back and find this mature adult life i'm striving to achieve, instead of this teenage mess i've become prone too.

for now tata.x

A Little Update...

Been a while since i've looked at this blog, which now makes me realise how bitter and insecure i was just under a month ago. I can't really put into words what has changed in my life in such a short period of time, this could be because i'm scared about how happy i am at the moment and know a change is literally just around the corner.

I've decided to change the way i use this blog i ant to use it for inspiration and guidance, not some muddle journal that brings back unwanted memories and unanswered questions.

I need a new job, a career this time i think i'm ready, i need to be ready or i'm going to be standing still whilist everyone is out there living. I need to do some research over the next few months, my aim is just after christmas to have my idea planned out, whether that be career wise, travelling or moving out, or all the above could make everything quite perfect.

Theres something i wouldnt change for the world right now and thats a strong friendship i have gained. Lets hope nothing too drastic will alter this, but i'm always prepared for the worst. Genreal friendships have been pretty average lately, with maybe two people drifting who i never really saw as a priority, of course i care but i have to tell myself its there lost in the long run, which really isnt worth me fighting for.

Now or Never...

Thats saying that you don't not what you had until its gone is not quite as overated as i once thought.
Slightly scared about where i go from here, gone it alone it seems for the last few weeks, has its highs and lows but i was getting there and proving to myself that i can cope without others guidance.
Its going to be a few days of grinning and bearing a horrible situation, the likelyhood of me getting the outcome i dreamed of i would put as zero chance, but stranger things have happened i guess.
Fed up with people questioning why i wont put my guard down with a person that clearly hurt me on a number of occassion, forgive, but dont forget...........they don't deserve either.

Levels of Maturity

I'm disapointed in myself for sinking to all time lows of immaturity for the benefit of two very immature girls that have shown signs of a lot of growing up to do.
All i can do is pity them for not having anything else in their pathetic little lifes to do, other than bitch about others.
It annoys the hell out of me that people see me as a target to express all their anger for their own mistakes and very bad judgements on their lives.
Today has been a downward spiral i have missed friends, enimies and someone that would stand up and support me.
I have put an end to all this, deleted them and will now ignore any silly little comments that may get back to me.
I have to remember that i have a secure family, good friends and a job, clearly what some people are still striving to achieve.
Thats all.
x

Limits.

We all have limits on what we can and can't say, how much emotion we can show.
It would be good if you could say i love you or i miss you to someone without that judgement shadowing a nice gesture.
Just a thought I had.
Killing time in all aspects at the moment.
x

closed book.

i need to show emotion before its too late............
i can't say much more.
x

challenge

work this week has become a bigger challenege than anticipated, i know i still have a lot to learn, but i'm not good with the process when it comes to having to be trained and learn alot of new things.
I wonder if the pressure is too much for me to take, the workload and the indepth queries and i really am beginning to wonder if i am cut of this and if in the long run it will make me happy enough to be passionate about what i do.
I really need to rememeber the great prospects this career could really bring my way.
For now i will carry on this fight and try not to come close to tears as i did earlier this week.
On another note tommorow night could bring drama that could be avoided, the plan is to assess the situation and keep my mouth shut, as my protective streak could come to breaking point.
I have to remember i really am better than that and to walk away.
x

bad move?

2 enemies could quite possibly become 2 friends again, i know its a bad move but i feel like i have done this to proove some kind of point, to who i;m unsure at the moment, but only time will tell.
I have a feeling someone really needs me at the moment, but i just cant go back there.
Its been a week since the chums have gone and i hav resorted to situations occuring that i never thought i would be put it again.
It all about how i deal with this rubbish outcome, i can see this going from bad to worse.

alot to ask for?

just some sort of communication???
unsure what i did to deserve this but it hurts.

Beginning of the Start.

keeping myself busy and catching up on some much needed sleep the last couple of days. Day 2 of a very long month without two very good chums, yesterday felt like the longest day in the world, works not exactly using too much of my brain power at the moment and it would be useful if that could take up a bit more of my time.
Made some exciting plans this evening and i'm going to make sure it all goes into action, this month will all be about budgeting to the extreme.
The next week should be interesting considering a certain someones return, whether we cross paths or not is another matter, but i'l take the situation on board as when it arrives.

observation.

It seems people always leave.
x

complex.

The reality is i'm rubbish at showing emotion, know one has ever taught me the right/wrong way to do this. Started at a young age to be honest, i woud get nervous about saying happy birthday to someone, never told any of my family members i love them, its just not something my family do. I really need to work on this, i'm a bit of a close book you see and realise my feelings at the wrong time or its just too late. I need this to change because at the moment this isn't working in my favour.
Ignoring a horrible situation just isn't the way forward, but i'm far too of a complex character for this to get the better of me, even if it does make me uncomfortable.
x

routine.

I've never really been a routine person and now i realise why, it bores me. I like the unpredictable feeling when your not quite sure what you want to do or where you want to be.
Over the last week or so a few conversations have made me realise that i have this routine, simplistic life. I'm trying to get in the mind set that this is what i have been looking for, but i take a step back look at my life and its not something i've ever really tried to achieve.
Through school my aim was always to go uni and live that crazy lifestyle everyone thought i would adapt to easier than anyone. For one reason and another it wasnt for me, i cant help but point the blame at someone else for this and i guess there always will be a part of me that is bitter about the whole situation. If i had stuck it out i realise that i could have had many more opportunities. But everyone has regrets.
My life used to be very unpredictable, i wouldnt like to say it was more fun, maybe more controversial.
I think what i'm trying to say is by changing myself over the past few months, in a roundabout way i feel that i have lost me, my identy and now i'm just adjusting to what people want and expect.
I need to work on this and maybe search for something in my life suited to me and something that excites me.
My worst nightmare would be realising in ten years time that i have missed out and gone down the wrong road.
I'm not going to make any dramatic changes, but i'm going to be on the lookout, there could be some changes to m lifestyle in months to come.

End of an Era.

I have lost someone because, well i dont know really.
We drifted apart and i let go i guess, i thought i was doing the right thing but it hurts and i can bet you sooner rather than later it will backfire on me and i will literally be alone.
On the outside people see this shell of a happy go lucky person, inside i wouldnt mind ending it all.
Emotions have been running high today, to the point where i can only feel this empty space.
x

Labels.

i'm wondering how you get rid of a label?
You know the ones that people give you on first impressions, judgements or just "in the moment". I tell you what its tricky, the labels i have become opposed to include, cunt,bitch,liar and manpulative, not nice to hear ay?
I understand this is pretty negative view because my close buddies that know me now hopefully realise the real me isn't any of the above. Ok i admit i can be protective of my friends, maybe to the point where i should let them out of my reach a little and i admit i can be judgemental, but if we're honest to a certain degree who isn't?
Over the last few months i have tried to drop these labels, kept myself to myself, concentrating on work and just trying to live a life.
It hurts when something AGAIN comes back to haunt you, i do try not to dwell on it, but it annoys me that i can come out to be seen as the bad person with a motive, when all i'm really trying to do is move on from the past.
I refuse to rise to this anymore and i am sure to carry on making progress dropping these labels.
Apart from this one worry, i am genuinally happy at the moment. I have the most fantastic friends i could ever had asked for and i am pleased i have another life at work, where i can be the professional and the social life of a student.
Lots to look forward to over the next few months, a tricky time with two of my closest friends that have been rocks to me for the last few months going away, but i know it will make me stronger and appreciate them more.
I will be trying to update this more often over the next month, so for now cya x

fact.

i will always want what i can't have.
to the point where i get addicted.

Logic.

I haven't really felt the need to rite anything here for a while, this must be a good sign. Things having been going really well lately, with my family,friends and work all coming together very nicely.
I have also cut down on my in take of alcohol which i feel has help my sanity for the better. i still have moments when i can sit here and get upset about things and miss him still. I found out just over two weeks ago that i would be moving offices for my new job. This really scared me, the fac that i don't adjust to change to very well doesnt help matters. That evening i got myself all worked up over it and really needed him. Just for the pure fact that we was always the same when it came to any sort of change and i new he would understand what i was going through.
My logic to life now is onwards and upwards. This is in realtion to friendship,love,work and my image. I have cut all the crap out of my life and the telling time will soon be here.I refuse to let anything or anyone ruin this for me and will ignore and avoid any situation that my cause me upset to the extreme.
As for the image change i mentioned last time i am now over a stone down on my quest to be skinny and my will power is provong stronger than ever before, although i do gt times when i;m a bit down about it because i'm preactically starving myself.

So for now i am happy.

I wont leave it so long next time
x

Result!

Found out i got the job i wanted today and have realistically been working my arse off for since December. There had been some times in last nine months where i was going to give up, but through the support of people that are close to me and finding the determination to see something through to the end i now have a full time permanent postion for the council, where in the next few years i am going to see many opportunities come my way, which i will grab with all the enthusiasm i can find.

I know this is just your average 9-5 job, but to me it brings alot more with it. Firstly i feel i have achieved something not only for my family but for myself, it gives me a sense of security that i found all on my own, it will give me independence and its actually something that i find interesting, also i have found with patience i'm pretty good at!

This career will cut all that crap out of my life, i can get my head down and follow a path that i want to go down, i have left the past (to an extent) behind me and finally feel able to hold my head up high. I will not let anyone knock my confidence and i will and have erased all them people that held me back and used me for what seems like a life time.

There will be times when i can still sit there for a moment and get upset about my mistakes and remember things from the past that hurt me more than i ever thought was phsyically possible. For now this is by far the best i have felt in over 3 years. I can see light at that never ending, self destructing tunnel.

I have found 2 friends that keep me sane, help me loose all that rubbish i have had holding a black cloud over myself, they have helped me believe i can achieve these ambitions, i wouldnt want to loose them, i will support them when ever they need it, although i will never let myself depend on them, its not a fair game. Overall i have found a friendship i have been looking for too long.

the only thing i want to and need to change now is my image, this will be my next challenge and my last chapter of closesure.All in good time.

Lots to look forward to:
Start my new job monday...
Lots of gigs...
A well deserved holiday...
lots of good times with my true friends.

When ever i have a bad day i will look at this blog and feel postive, there will always be things that i will feel bitter about, i'm just that kind of person that will always look for perfection.

For now though, i am truely happy....

sorry for the jibber jabber!
x

The reality is...

i drink to forget...
It never works i dont no why i try, at some point at the night, usually when i get home i have a massive comedown, where i realise i still havent found a replacement, nowhere near it in fact.

Just two things...

Love.
Once you have found it, never let it go.
The saying is if you do let it go, if its strong enough it will come back.
Well its a long time coming. If i'm honest with myself i know i will never be able to find that kind of love again, mainly because i wont let myself be hurt like i as again.
That feeling of missing someone, hurts me too much inside.

Lastly, how do i change the fact i will always be seen as the girl that just goes out every weekend, no matter where, who with or cost. I'm just there like part of the furtniture, really no one cares if i am or not. I would like to be a few of my friends priorities but i always seem to be in the background, i'm just the girl you go out and get drunk with and use when you havent got the one there by your side.
How can i change this?

goodnight (not completely sober)
x

Postivity

Things seem to have picked up these last few days. Had some good times with friends, friends that maybe i took for graunted before and never realised that there literally always there for me. I have spent time with them laughing and talking and realising that i have a best friend that has been there through the good and the bad times without even noticing.
I made a decision to stay at home with this time i have away from work, spending some time alone, seeing a few choosen friends and having some really good times.

I hav my interview in two days, have alot resting on this really and its an opportunity i have work had for now for about 6 months, hopefully everything will go to plan.

bye for now
x

Improvement?

Things have picked up a little over the last couple of days, mainly because i have been alone and been getting on with life, leaving as little time as possible to think about everything.

I often have sudden spurts of betrayal, thinking about how loyal my friends really are and who i can trust. The label of a "best friend" is a joke, what is a best friend? someone that does something they know will hurt you? someone that walks away? someone that doesnt give you a second chance? someone that uses the moto "out of sight, out of mind" if so i guess i have and have had plenty of them come and go.

I think i have found a friend that could become a soul mate, if they let me. I think we have the same values and want the same things deep down. But its whether other people let us become close and whether we can really forget the past, although i very much doubt that if people constantly want to relive the past.

I am going to try and kee my postive outlook, i have an interview next week that i really must put my all into, it would mean i have prooved to myself that i can see something through to the end, which i have never done before.

I realised i need to take a step back from my friends and the drama that envokes within it, for no i am going to worry about myself.

stay safe
x

Anonymous

So i thought this was worth a try to put my feelings into words, instead of a jumble of mixed up thoughts that are going around in my head. If you come across this and know me, never ask me questions about what i'm writing this is just for me, i shoudnt have to answer to everything.

I'm hoping i can look back at this page back in a few months and think, yeah things have got better, the days might go a bit quicker, the constant abuse of alcohol might stop and maybe il open up to my friends and show them who i really am.

In this moment in time things are looking pretty bleak for me, this has been the worst week over the last two years and i have come to realise i'm a needy person, something i never thought i was or would become, but them maybe i was just trying to ignore it. This week has bought back some horrible memories and too many situations have reminded me of a time in my life when i was really unhappy.

I want to feel safe again, i need him back, if only in a small part of my life for me to get any sense of real emotion or feeling. I thought i may of found someone this week that could of given me a small sense of security, but turns out they just gave me a false sense of hope and ended up doing the inevitable and disappointing me with empty words.

There are some postives and they could help me get some direction back.

But right now i just keep asking myself, whats the point in any of it?

Thats all for now.
x