bad move?

2 enemies could quite possibly become 2 friends again, i know its a bad move but i feel like i have done this to proove some kind of point, to who i;m unsure at the moment, but only time will tell.
I have a feeling someone really needs me at the moment, but i just cant go back there.
Its been a week since the chums have gone and i hav resorted to situations occuring that i never thought i would be put it again.
It all about how i deal with this rubbish outcome, i can see this going from bad to worse.

alot to ask for?

just some sort of communication???
unsure what i did to deserve this but it hurts.

Beginning of the Start.

keeping myself busy and catching up on some much needed sleep the last couple of days. Day 2 of a very long month without two very good chums, yesterday felt like the longest day in the world, works not exactly using too much of my brain power at the moment and it would be useful if that could take up a bit more of my time.
Made some exciting plans this evening and i'm going to make sure it all goes into action, this month will all be about budgeting to the extreme.
The next week should be interesting considering a certain someones return, whether we cross paths or not is another matter, but i'l take the situation on board as when it arrives.

observation.

It seems people always leave.
x

complex.

The reality is i'm rubbish at showing emotion, know one has ever taught me the right/wrong way to do this. Started at a young age to be honest, i woud get nervous about saying happy birthday to someone, never told any of my family members i love them, its just not something my family do. I really need to work on this, i'm a bit of a close book you see and realise my feelings at the wrong time or its just too late. I need this to change because at the moment this isn't working in my favour.
Ignoring a horrible situation just isn't the way forward, but i'm far too of a complex character for this to get the better of me, even if it does make me uncomfortable.
x

routine.

I've never really been a routine person and now i realise why, it bores me. I like the unpredictable feeling when your not quite sure what you want to do or where you want to be.
Over the last week or so a few conversations have made me realise that i have this routine, simplistic life. I'm trying to get in the mind set that this is what i have been looking for, but i take a step back look at my life and its not something i've ever really tried to achieve.
Through school my aim was always to go uni and live that crazy lifestyle everyone thought i would adapt to easier than anyone. For one reason and another it wasnt for me, i cant help but point the blame at someone else for this and i guess there always will be a part of me that is bitter about the whole situation. If i had stuck it out i realise that i could have had many more opportunities. But everyone has regrets.
My life used to be very unpredictable, i wouldnt like to say it was more fun, maybe more controversial.
I think what i'm trying to say is by changing myself over the past few months, in a roundabout way i feel that i have lost me, my identy and now i'm just adjusting to what people want and expect.
I need to work on this and maybe search for something in my life suited to me and something that excites me.
My worst nightmare would be realising in ten years time that i have missed out and gone down the wrong road.
I'm not going to make any dramatic changes, but i'm going to be on the lookout, there could be some changes to m lifestyle in months to come.

End of an Era.

I have lost someone because, well i dont know really.
We drifted apart and i let go i guess, i thought i was doing the right thing but it hurts and i can bet you sooner rather than later it will backfire on me and i will literally be alone.
On the outside people see this shell of a happy go lucky person, inside i wouldnt mind ending it all.
Emotions have been running high today, to the point where i can only feel this empty space.
x

Labels.

i'm wondering how you get rid of a label?
You know the ones that people give you on first impressions, judgements or just "in the moment". I tell you what its tricky, the labels i have become opposed to include, cunt,bitch,liar and manpulative, not nice to hear ay?
I understand this is pretty negative view because my close buddies that know me now hopefully realise the real me isn't any of the above. Ok i admit i can be protective of my friends, maybe to the point where i should let them out of my reach a little and i admit i can be judgemental, but if we're honest to a certain degree who isn't?
Over the last few months i have tried to drop these labels, kept myself to myself, concentrating on work and just trying to live a life.
It hurts when something AGAIN comes back to haunt you, i do try not to dwell on it, but it annoys me that i can come out to be seen as the bad person with a motive, when all i'm really trying to do is move on from the past.
I refuse to rise to this anymore and i am sure to carry on making progress dropping these labels.
Apart from this one worry, i am genuinally happy at the moment. I have the most fantastic friends i could ever had asked for and i am pleased i have another life at work, where i can be the professional and the social life of a student.
Lots to look forward to over the next few months, a tricky time with two of my closest friends that have been rocks to me for the last few months going away, but i know it will make me stronger and appreciate them more.
I will be trying to update this more often over the next month, so for now cya x