fact.

i will always want what i can't have.
to the point where i get addicted.

Logic.

I haven't really felt the need to rite anything here for a while, this must be a good sign. Things having been going really well lately, with my family,friends and work all coming together very nicely.
I have also cut down on my in take of alcohol which i feel has help my sanity for the better. i still have moments when i can sit here and get upset about things and miss him still. I found out just over two weeks ago that i would be moving offices for my new job. This really scared me, the fac that i don't adjust to change to very well doesnt help matters. That evening i got myself all worked up over it and really needed him. Just for the pure fact that we was always the same when it came to any sort of change and i new he would understand what i was going through.
My logic to life now is onwards and upwards. This is in realtion to friendship,love,work and my image. I have cut all the crap out of my life and the telling time will soon be here.I refuse to let anything or anyone ruin this for me and will ignore and avoid any situation that my cause me upset to the extreme.
As for the image change i mentioned last time i am now over a stone down on my quest to be skinny and my will power is provong stronger than ever before, although i do gt times when i;m a bit down about it because i'm preactically starving myself.

So for now i am happy.

I wont leave it so long next time
x

Result!

Found out i got the job i wanted today and have realistically been working my arse off for since December. There had been some times in last nine months where i was going to give up, but through the support of people that are close to me and finding the determination to see something through to the end i now have a full time permanent postion for the council, where in the next few years i am going to see many opportunities come my way, which i will grab with all the enthusiasm i can find.

I know this is just your average 9-5 job, but to me it brings alot more with it. Firstly i feel i have achieved something not only for my family but for myself, it gives me a sense of security that i found all on my own, it will give me independence and its actually something that i find interesting, also i have found with patience i'm pretty good at!

This career will cut all that crap out of my life, i can get my head down and follow a path that i want to go down, i have left the past (to an extent) behind me and finally feel able to hold my head up high. I will not let anyone knock my confidence and i will and have erased all them people that held me back and used me for what seems like a life time.

There will be times when i can still sit there for a moment and get upset about my mistakes and remember things from the past that hurt me more than i ever thought was phsyically possible. For now this is by far the best i have felt in over 3 years. I can see light at that never ending, self destructing tunnel.

I have found 2 friends that keep me sane, help me loose all that rubbish i have had holding a black cloud over myself, they have helped me believe i can achieve these ambitions, i wouldnt want to loose them, i will support them when ever they need it, although i will never let myself depend on them, its not a fair game. Overall i have found a friendship i have been looking for too long.

the only thing i want to and need to change now is my image, this will be my next challenge and my last chapter of closesure.All in good time.

Lots to look forward to:
Start my new job monday...
Lots of gigs...
A well deserved holiday...
lots of good times with my true friends.

When ever i have a bad day i will look at this blog and feel postive, there will always be things that i will feel bitter about, i'm just that kind of person that will always look for perfection.

For now though, i am truely happy....

sorry for the jibber jabber!
x

The reality is...

i drink to forget...
It never works i dont no why i try, at some point at the night, usually when i get home i have a massive comedown, where i realise i still havent found a replacement, nowhere near it in fact.

Just two things...

Love.
Once you have found it, never let it go.
The saying is if you do let it go, if its strong enough it will come back.
Well its a long time coming. If i'm honest with myself i know i will never be able to find that kind of love again, mainly because i wont let myself be hurt like i as again.
That feeling of missing someone, hurts me too much inside.

Lastly, how do i change the fact i will always be seen as the girl that just goes out every weekend, no matter where, who with or cost. I'm just there like part of the furtniture, really no one cares if i am or not. I would like to be a few of my friends priorities but i always seem to be in the background, i'm just the girl you go out and get drunk with and use when you havent got the one there by your side.
How can i change this?

goodnight (not completely sober)
x