The Year That Was 2009

I'm going to do just quick review of my year:

So it all started of in Canterbury, hungover mess from the night before. Epic night doing some silly things but was most definitley memorable & spent with some very special people. However it all started to go down hill pretty quickly, with celebrations of my Birthday taking a nasty turn for the worse and was the start of a downward spiral to a very important friendship. I picked myself up, apologised but couldnt help but feel like i had take 10 steps back in time and was reacting to a situation exactly how i would of done when i was 17...
So i moved on and struck a strong friendship with two indvidual, fun guys which became my rocks for the next few months and they just understood me it was pretty kool. Spent alot of time in High Wycombe having some good drunken times. Most of March rolled into this just alot of going out and getting drunk, maybe to hide some feelings, that were pretty obvious so i'm unsure why i even bothered to hide it.
Emotions were running high through April, with a flashback from the past literally right in front of me, someone from the past bringing up everything that had been put to rest a long time ago, it was all a difficult time and it was whilist i was in this confused state of mind i decided to shut someone out of my life, long term.
The most successful month of the year has to be May i was made permanent in my job and worked bloody hard to get there. It as a time full of change, but a change i'm pleased i made and met lots of interesting people along the way. It was in this time i realised i loved having this life at work outside of all my socialising. It almost like this felt like the time i could show my mature side without some silly remarks. May was also a fun time spent going to some gigs in London Town and having lots of laughs with the besties.
June was a sad month, my two lovely friends packed their bags and abonded ship for a whole month. It was a long month with lots of time to fill, but it was just the start of a fun packed summer. I found it hard to juggle work with the summer arrangments with the friends, but i only had a small lapse, but i sure had a good time.
September everyone left and there was a massive void to fill. I stayed in for a few weeks, spent time with my family and just had some time to evaluate everything, it was really good. However i did get the feeling people felt that i was trying to go my seperate way,this wasnt the case, i realised that this going out getting drunk is a different Carly. Over this time although i didnt see people constantly i grew alot closer to some people that i would of least expected to. It was a pleasant suprise.
October was a time when my drunkeness got out of control and i ended up in such a state i was an embaressement, yeah it was funny, looking back i'm pretty ashamed of my alcohol abuse and really dont understand why i feel the need to do this...
So we come to November. The month i took a chance and it just didnt go my way. I guess i new it never could, i learnt that you cant tempt fate. I dont regret anything that happened, i just wish i got my happy ending.
I've ended the year on a bit of a low, everything thats happened in the last few months has caught up with me and i'm pretty run down and ill. Its nice to have so many faces back for christmas and i love that i have all these friendships back that i risked through the year, because i just didnt feel complete without them.
I look forward to seeing in 2010 with all the people that have influenced my life this year and have all played a special part in some way or another.
I have high hopes for 2010, it needs to be epic and i'm determined to make it just that....

A New Chapter...........

I've avoided writing anything here for quite some time now, two reasons i'm not sure who reads this and i think i was attempting to put on a brave face.
The last month has been a learning curve, not one i wanted to end the year with, but you cant tempt fate. I didnt learn anything about myself, i was everything i thought i would be and everything i should of been..but that wasn't right. I learnt more about other people and their indecisive outlook on their lives. I guess not knowing what you want can be a quality in anyone if you want spontanity, but this isn't something i look for.
Evaluating my own emotions i realise that i am willing to let my gaurd down too quickly, which makes me vunerable and easily hurt. As ever i have been broken again, but i'm strong enough to come out with my head held high and end this year on a good note.
People are coming home for the holidays next week and i cant help but feel they walk back after living their exciting lives to be disappointed with the black hole of home and i feel like i've gained/achieved nothing in the months they have been gone.
So onwards and upwards, i'm excited about what could happen next, but for now i know to think with my head and never my heart.

Wow.

I took a chance and put myself on the line and its all working out pretty nicely...
I found someone i like and who likes me which is dead cool and i'm kinda excited for what ever happens next..
yeahh i'm such a girl!
x

A Safe Place...

would be my own company, which i have learnt to endure over the past weeks. But then what happens? One week of going back to the drunken mess i am and i'm left with the label: A Regret.
Its really funny how things turn around, i opened up to someone about my feelings towards them, maybe i did this too soon before i really had time to think about where this could go. Well its going nowhere, full stop. I will always live in a world where i am drawn to an indecisive situation, people dont like to put themseleves on the line for me. Which makes me question if anyone will ever think i'm worthy enough to share some part of their life??
I like to think that i am different to every other girl, yeah i can be one of the guys and majority of my closest friends are guys, but as much as i try and use their give a shit attitude to relationships, my emotions will always be determined being a female, needy, wondering, tears and everything that comes with it. But i wouldnt change this for the world, because this shows we care and now i just have to hope that someone will care for me...
Another learning curve down..how many more to go???

Standing Still

I think its been a while since i last put any thoughts down on here, but i would rather not read my last post, if i recall i was in my state of emotional self destruction which i love to indulge in every once in while...
anyway its all about not looking back now, moving forward.
For the last three years i have been going out constantly looking to find something, i dont think i will ever know what that someone or something was, but i'm pretty sure i didnt find it, got a bit lost along the way, but i sure had a good time. For the last few weeks i have taken a big step back, and realised that standing still can be just as fun if your patient. I'm living life for me at the moment, i hope people can see that i need to do this for myself and i'm not cutting them out. I have learnt alot, seen alot and generally educated myself in what i have been striving to achieve.
I'm happy to see what comes my way, because lets face it everything else has happened when i've least expected it and you never know whats just round the corner..........

Amazed.

What a week away from everything can do ay?...
I've come home feeling happy, revitalized and postive about pretty much everything, i was amazed by how much i missed my friends whilist i was away, but also appreciated that a bit of time on your own doesnt do any harm.
Lots of plans now, i'm excited...i just want to make the most out of what i have.
Not too much to ask for is it?
xx

Vunerable

Yesterday will be one of them days i won't be able to forget for what feels like the rest of time, it was one of them days where i opened the closed book i have been holding close to my heart for too long. I cried like haven't done since the heartbreak i will never really be over and realised that i put all my efforts of kindness into someone with the hope i'll find my happy ending. It never works that way and here i am feeling crushed and on that long road of self destruction i like to indulge in from time to time.
A friend gave me some good advice yesterday, look for other qualitys in people, i.e kind and considerate, instead of these people that drain me, use me and use this out of sight out of mind bulshit.
So nows the part where i have to pick myself up and put all these feelings back where they belong.