If i started to write this post under two hours ago there could have been a very different outcome and you could have seen a very bitter side to my personality. Instead I have had some time to reflect on what really matters to me and what I am really looking for.
It hurts when you realise your not appreciated, let a lone a priority to someone that you think you have given literally all what you have, yet your not there perfect ideal, so you settle with the use & abuse situation because you know thats all they have to offer you. For short periods of time i guess we all have this approach with relationships/friendships but its only so long before someone get hurt. Well here I am i'm hurt and in the process risked, lost and under estimated a number of friends and family.
I feel like I have failed and been led astray yet again, just for them to pack up and leave with their out of sight, out of mind attitude. Two can play that game, I refuse to chase after them and beg for some form of communication, I will literally expect nothing and then i guess anything that i do achieve will be a bonus. I know i have myself to blame and although I liked to think these last couple of years i had changed, i have now come to the conclusion that you can change whats on the outside and put on a false appearance to what people want to see, but inside maybe i'm still in the same addicted, fragile state he left me in.
I'm going to leave this on a positive note, i can go it alone if i have to, i've done it before i'll do it again. Yeah I knicked that from The Notebook!
I have a holiday to look forward to, a whole week of intoxication, i have family and friends to keep me sane and to be honest its time i take a step back and find this mature adult life i'm striving to achieve, instead of this teenage mess i've become prone too.
for now tata.x
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